Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Not a recipe, a rant: McRib

All over my social networks, I'm being bombareded with blissful excitement about the return of the holy grail of fast food decadence:


...and there was much vomiting.

I now understand why George Carlin often postulated that there is, "little hope left for this species."

I'm not against fast food in principle. I'm not against corporate America. I'm not against people doing whatever they want with their own bodies. I'm not even against the FDA allotted amount of spider legs and rat feces per square inch that are allowed to enter the food supply...

...but the McRib? Are you kidding me? What are you thinking when you eat that thing? Why would you do that to yourself? Do you hate yourself so much that you'd put that disgusting shit into your body? Do you love yourself AT ALL?! You really should seek therapy.

Arguably, all fast food is self-hate-exemplifying garbage, but the McRib is a special case. All the parts of a pig that are even too nasty to make into dog food thrown in a blender and then somehow formed into a rib-like shape.

I often wonder how the rib-like shape happens. Do they use something like a cookie cutter? Is it a mold of fake ribs? It's rarely a good idea to eat meat that is shaped like anything but the natural shape of meat. I use the term "meat" loosely, of course.

AND IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE GOOD!! Far be it from me to judge a food until I've barfed a mile of its chunks, but that thing is NASTY! The McRib is everything that's wrong with all fast food wrapped into one puke-tastic package. Who wants to eat "meat" that crunches? The sauce looks more like semi-coagulated blood plasma than barbeque sauce. I guess that's to fool consumers into thinking that it did actually come from an animal.

If you tried to donate the McRib to starving third world countries, Amnesty International would be all over your ass. The McRib would be better used as a torture device for prisoners of war. In fact, I think I'll have several shipped to Guantanamo Bay. Being forced to put dirty panties on your head and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" while someone shoves a huge piece of splintered balsa wood up your ass will seem merciful by comparison.

You know why it's available for a limited time only? I have a theory. It's part of McDonald's pledge to take a greener approach to business. Instead of wasting left over food and trash, they just toss it all into a giant blender once a year or so and form it into the McRib. It's waste-free! How environmental!

Why not? If the Japanese can make burgers out of poo, why can't McDonald's make "ribs" out of trash? Recycling is supposed to be good right?

What is likeable about this chunk of pig dicks, soy curd, and rat hair? Seriously, I'm asking. Even looking at it makes me want to puke. That thing is FOUL, and I've eaten some gross shit. Here's a short list of a few "gross" things I've eaten:

Crab brain pate sushi
Raw ostrich
Coagulated pig blood
Kangaroo steak
Chicken hearts
Fried chicken cartilage/gristle
Fried fish spines & tails
Fish guts
Cow guts
Raw octopus
Blood sausage
Bone marrow

If *I* say something is nasty, it is nasty. End of story.

Please, stop eating the McRib. If you hate yourself that much, find some other, more productive form of self-destruction. Put a dating ad on craigslist. Ever tried cutting? It's always fun and it makes for a good conversation piece. If that's not your thing, I hear crystal meth is a real blast! Pin It

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